he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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