I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize