I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize