dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
