Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
