Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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