If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
