Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
