Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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