When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
