you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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