I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
