Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
