i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
