Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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