I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
