he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You smell like stripper and shame
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Randomize
