You just made me feel so damn special
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
