did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
