Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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