I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
