I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
