Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
