You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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