i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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