In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Brb crying the tears of my youth
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
