I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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