Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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