If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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