i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize