Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
