So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize