Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Randomize
