I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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