First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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