There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
