I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
