i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
