did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
