textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
