gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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