I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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