Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
