Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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