it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
