i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
