omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
