i jhust puked up my retainher.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
