you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
