he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
