??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
