I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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