oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
