this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You pole danced in your parka.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
