I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
