hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize