I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
