Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
