My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
