I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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